he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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