We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
A bitchslap is in order.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
