I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
