So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
