Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
