Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
