Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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