So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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