a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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