Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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