That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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