I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
