My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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