someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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