I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
