I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
