My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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