Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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