I wish my penis had an off switch
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize