He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
