When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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