the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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