Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
