in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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