shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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