i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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