the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
