Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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