over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Randomize
