At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
