God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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