He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
