So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
