I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
