college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
