is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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