i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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