I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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