the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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