I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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