I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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