happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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