she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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