I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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