Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
