I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
the night ended with taco bell and tears
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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