you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
