Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
