Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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