i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So squirting runs in the family.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
