Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
