I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize