I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
