I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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