i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
