I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
