he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm like, not good at living.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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