2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
