Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
