So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
