Pregnant stripper...not hot.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
try to milk me bitch
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