he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
