I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
