It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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