My first STD was from a foam party
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
