they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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