I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
