I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
wow bdsm is so cute
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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