i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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